Dear Lulu Jeh, I am dating a man who is married. Well, he’s separated from his wife, but the divorce hasn’t gone through yet. I like him a lot, but I feel uncomfortable about moving things forward until the divorce has been finalized. I feel particularly hesitant about sleeping with him because it feels kind of like I’m getting in the middle of someone’s marriage. He hasn’t pressured me to do anything, but this is something that I think about a lot. How can I get over it? Is it ever okay to sleep with a married man? — Third Base
Dear TB, everyone has a past — but it can be a sticky situation when the past inevitably creeps into the present.
Have you and him had a discussion about this? Questions that need to be raised include how long the divorce will take, and whether or not both of you are comfortable with taking things forward. Do you both see this going somewhere?
As for getting into the middle of someone’s marriage: I tend to think that, when something of this nature happens, it’s really more on the person who’s married than on the supposed “third” party. And if he has already told you that he is separated with a divorce pending — and if he’s going out there to meet people and to date — then I would think everything is kosher at this point.
But if you’re still feeling uncomfortable, then maybe you need to date people who don’t have a history of marriage/separation/divorce.
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