Dear Lulu Jeh, is it okay to be friends with an ex? I know you’re going to tell me to just do what feels right and all of that, but I go from being fine with it one minute and not feeling great about it the next. What’s really the best way to handle friendship with someone you used to have feelings for? — Sad Ex-girlfriend
Dear Sad Ex, yes, you’re right — I would tell you to follow your intuitions and do what’s right for you.
But if you do find yourself confused and not feeling consistent about being friends with your ex, then you really need to ask yourself why. Is it because you feel uncomfortable around them? Are you worried about old feelings coming back, if they haven’t already? Are you nervous about seeing them with someone new, or bringing your new partners around them?
If these questions are lingering in the air, then you still care about them to some degree. In which case, I would suggest that you take a step back from the so-called friendship.
Let me put it this way: do you feel uncomfortable or weird about who your platonic friends are dating? No, right? (Unless they’re mistreating your friend, of course.) This should be the case with you and your ex if there are no loose ends.
Figure out what is going on inside your own head first, then go from there.